Taking A Bearing: Inform and Rethink

"But you've probably heard about the conflict in the Congo."
"No. What's going on the Congo?"
Lately I've been assuming that everyone's aware of the mess going down in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, our neighbors, because its so everyday for us here but am realizing more and more that maybe its not getting much play in the United States of Ay, so I put a link for people to check it out! It's getting really bad. And doctors are getting deeply concerned about a possible epidemic of cholera in IDP camps. Cholera. I swore we had eliminated that with Polio. The victims can't come back to Rwanda because they're probably wanted by the Rwandan government. Genocide complicity. It's really bizarre to be four hours away from a war and still feel isolated from its sting.
http://english.aljazeera.net/news/africa/2008/11/200811121854913189.html
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Questions I appreciate and am think-thinking over:

• Is poverty a virtue? Or do we fail to take into account its dynamism?
• In what ways do I create stipulations in my daily life about how much I will give or do? Is that okay to do sometimes?
• What is my perspective of my position: Do I have, so I give in order to create restoration? Or do I have nothing and participate in communal restoration?
• When children are begging or singing for money, what do you do??
• If I'm honest, am I about issues or people?
• How can we discern the heart of our actions?
• What are some examples of how the inequality of the world has been made personal for me?
• Do I let the existence of inequality change me?
• What is rich?
• Does being materially rich = blessing?
• What does the Word say about who is rich and who is poor?
• What does it mean to renounce all we possess? What do you make of this condition of discipleship? Was Jesus literally serious or symbolically serious? Is it more about obedience? What should push us to respond? What does obedience look like?
• What do I consider to be the evidence of God's favor?
• Ownership. Would we have resource problems if we rethought what ownership is or rethought its value? Is equality more about membership?
• It is easy to interpret poverty from the premise that they are the ones with the needs; whereas I have need of nothing. Are there areas of wretchedness and blindness where God is pointing out our own poverty?

Being here has warped everything I once believed about "rich", "poor", "development", "compassion" and "discipleship". I don't have answers but am learning to ask better questions.
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We do have fun too! We went to Kivu Lake in Kibuye for holiday and slept on the comfiest beds in East Africa. I rolled over in the middle of the night and smiled, they were so soft. I had really good, brilliant conversations with Hazel, Allison and Kirsten. I took the complimentary soap before Hazel could steal it from me. The next day we climbed Bat island. I'm so out of shape! I thought I was, no joke, going to pass out but I made it. And got sweet pictures of 236643928374659383621 bats. No one, however, got any pictures of Kyle's speedo. We don't want to talk about it.

"Adventures in Getting the Point" or "Manifesto"

I love being in Rwanda. I look like everyone else.

"There's a definition of a word and it states that, um, a word is composed of two parts: and that's reflection and action. So that means if one part is sacrificed then the other suffers as well. So I'm sure to tell the students in my writing classes, that, um, we must be mindful of the words that flow from our mouths. And we should also be concerned about how they come out. You know, we talk about things like compassion...."
Compassion.
I think I've talked about compassion until I was blue in the face, but I didn't even understand what the word meant. Naturally, humans see themselves as compassionate because, honestly, who wants to say they're not (?) but often times what we're really talking about is kindness. Compassion and kindness are not the same thing. I didn't understand. Kindness is to pull those who are down up to where you are. Compassion is the shifting of one's inner bowels to tremble with the mourning of others. Compassion is being down and staying down to bring all up. Ugh. That is different.
Tons of people in Kigali are built just like me, facial structure similar. Wasn't the problem invisibility on your practicum? Didn't you want to be seen? Didn't you want to remember that you were somebody? Yeah, it definitely was hard for this little girl from nowhere, California, studying in nowhere, Indiana, with a skin color setting her back from birth, trying become to my family's dream. A somebody seen. But moreover, my problem was that I was trying to live my life for myself. Practicum was debilitating because no one was clapping for me.
It's simply amazing how insiduous pride is.
I wanted development and poverty to become names for myself, to validate my existence, and be known for what I did to alleviate it. It would be sweet if I was the next black Shane Claiborne female. (laughs) But I didn't know that trying to make my life as exciting and interesting as possible was killing my compassion in a field where this should be non-negotiable. I was wearing skills of research and education about social problems that I didn't even have on my shoulders. I couldn't feel for anyone else because I was spending too much of my time trying to be special.
This is what practicum taught me: I don't know anything. I thought I did but I don't. I don't have very much capability. I thought I did but I don't. Development and poverty are very very very hard. Joy for ones work and helping to alleviate poverty does not come from seeing results. People work their whole lives for the smallest difference, long after relatives have stopped liking what they do or praise their efforts. Often times, people stay just as sad, poor, sick, and miserable even after all our attempts. So is it worth it? Is development worth it? It is if you're not trying to be acclaimed. It is if something more than youthful idealism drives you. Youth is fleeting. It is if you believe something bigger will complete it. Gratitude pushes much more than title.
I no longer want to do this because I think I'll be someone or that I'll move mountains (uh. that's stupid) but because I want to thank God for the compassion she's shown to me by asking for some of hers. She can move far more mountains. I want to make sure I keep moving from comfort and the tempting ordinariness of "proper life", not to surround myself with misery or being creepily masochistic, but because I believe God is there waiting to show me what He means by all this existence business and pushing me to feel this way. Nowhere is somewhere. Voluntary displacement helps me remember that I don't have it all together and that in community of poverty, I experience our true condition. Messed up. And that's giving up that job, that title, that applause, that rat race for something better. Right, hidden and compassionate. Not interesting.

"As long as our primary concern in life is to be interesting and thus worthy of special attention, compassion cannot manifest itself. Therefore, the movement of compassion always starts by gaining distance from the world that wants to make us objects of interest." -Henri Nouwen.
If I become small, I can feel a pain of a population that I couldn't before. I'm beginning to know who I am. I have a face that matters: broke backs of field workers and silent victims of past, present and future.
I love being in Rwanda. I look like everyone else.

Tie your children to your backs.

Write your sponsor kids many letters. It makes a difference to them.